So, in my books Sick Idiot and Chronically Positive, I talk a lot about being a steward of your own health. Being your own best advocate. Being a responsible, compliant, empowered, educated, and diligent patient. Being proactive when it comes to your health. Staying on top of things.
But I ask — is it okay to sometimes be irresponsible?
Here’s the thing: I do try to practice what I preach. USUALLY. I don’t like hypocrites.
That said …
I’m exhausted. I need a break.
Not a break from the day-to-day stresses of life; I just need a break from being sick.
I was just on a 12-day vacation … but I also need a vacation from being a patient.
I need a break from being a Sick Idiot.
So, I’m on a self-imposed hiatus. A sabbatical, if you will. It’s super-irresponsible, and very, very counter-productive. I get that. I totally get that.
Yet, this isn’t an irrational or delusional thing: it’s a, “I’m still in control, but I just need a break from it all,” thing. I haven’t given in or given up.
I’m not depressed, I’m just … “like, SO over it.”
I “can’t even” with all of the doctors appointments and medications right now. As per my previous post, I’m enjoying #AshSummerOfHobbies2016, and I need a break from being a “Sick Idiot,” from being “Arthritis Ashley.”
Is it without consequence? Nope. All of our actions or inactions, words, thoughts, and behaviors, even our energies, have consequences.
Am I, in some ways, paying the price for my childlike petulance at the moment? You betcha. My stubbornness isn’t allowing me any form of progress.
But here’s the thing: I don’t feel too much worse than I did before, when my days revolved around doctor’s appointments and supplements and therapies and medications. In fact, I barely feel any different at all. I guess, I feel like… I’m not helping myself, but am I really hurting myself by taking this little vaca? IDK.
So, if I’m going to feel crappy, I may as well try to enjoy myself.
We only get one life and I’m sick of mine being dictated by drugs, supplements, and doctor’s appointments.
Therefore, I admit: I’m way past due to see my hematologist. I totally blew off my pulmonologist and endocrinologist and gastroenterologist. I need to find myself a new rheumatologist. I haven’t seen a PCP in about 6 months. I haven’t seen my chiropractor in weeks; I haven’t seen my ENT in over a year. I need to make appointments with my orthopedic foot surgeon, my orthopedic knee surgeon, and my translational medicine doctor in D.C. I need to talk with someone about stem cell therapy and floating therapy. I need to start physical thearpy on my neck again, and get an MRI of my lower back. And, well, yeah, I should probably follow up with at least my hematologist ASAP, now that I think about it.
I know I’m being irresponsible. I wouldn’t not advise this approach to anyone else, but … what can I say? I need a breather. And I’ve needed it for a while. Again, it isn’t delusional, it’s just … kind of a necessary evil.
So over the next few days I’m going through dozens of supplements and prescriptions, weaning them down to only the bare minimum. Keeping what I absolutely need, tossing the rest. Time to detox. Time to start fresh. Time to start Shakeology again, and get back into my essential oils and my exercise regimen. But all of the doctors and tests? They can wait a bit longer. Deciding when and if to start a new biologic, and which one to try? That can wait, too.
I think that sometimes we need to listen to our bodies and our souls. This “break” feels right to me just about now. I want to go a month or a few without waiting rooms and needle jabs and IVs and the radiation from MRI and X-Ray machines. Without getting the constant EOBs in the mail, without the daily automated phone calls from the pharmacy telling me a prescription is ready.
It’s not responsible. But after 22 years with rheumatic illness and 10+ years of other pressing health problems, don’t I deserve a break? Don’t we all?
I mean, no offense, doctors: but we patients with chronic illness? We kinda get sick of seeing you.
Have you ever taken a “hiatus” from your meds or your doctor visits? Was it self-imposed, suggested by a doctor, or doctor-supervised? Sound off in the comments! But save the lectures, because I’m already openly admitting that I don’t condone what I’m doing! LOL.